Funded by the Department of Children and Families
October 2005 LOVE U2 By Julie Baumgardner September 2005
According to Ms. Pearson, all teens should know some of the basics: * Talk with your kids about the health aspects as well as the heart aspects of sex. That means addressing social and emotional dimensions of sexuality along with the health dimensions. * Place the discussion firmly in the context of relationship development, love and commitment. Remember, this is precisely what teens want to hear. * Let your teen know that only 47 percent of teens are sexually active, according to the Center for Disease Control. Teens tend to overestimate the numbers of sexually active young people. * Share the experiences of other teens who “have been there and done that” and wish they had waited. Some of these testimonies are the most powerful deterrents. * Many parents have done drugs, shoplifted or had sex in their teen years. Just because you did it doesnąt mean you want your children to do the same. Our goal should be to help our kids do better. * We need to do more to help teens understand what makes sex beautiful and wonderful. It is more than a physical connection. We need to help our kids understand it is an emotional, social, trusted and committed relationship it is fully developed intimacy. Quite frankly, those types of relationships just donąt typically happen in high school. Our goal is to help young people understand what true intimacy is, how it develops and how that ultimately leads to sex in a married relationship. Sex too soon just simply doesnąt deliver. * Parents need to teach skills to negotiate the natural pressures toward greater physical involvement. Help them think through the process and where they will draw their boundaries. * We cannot forget about those teens who may have had sex already, but are open to changing their behavior and doing something different. Be supportive of them in their efforts to change their behavior. “Helping kids possess a compass values, goals and vision for the future is one of the best things we as parents can do to assist them in navigating the choppy waters of adolescent relationships,” said Ms Pearson. Julie Baumgardner is the Executive Director of First Things First, a research and advocacy organization dedicated to strengthening families through education, collaboration and mobilization. (Catholic Charities offers abstinence education for youth and their parents through the Think Smart Program. Please contact one of the caseworkers listed above for more information.) 15 Ways to Family Unity (Family Builders’ Newsletter, October 5, 2005) 1. Children are persons, not property. 2. Each family member must be allowed to be who he is; that is, he is not forced to be like his brother. 3. We must allow for the proper expression of personal opinion. 4. Respect in speech and action is required of every family member, including the parents. 5. Listening is as important as talking. 6. Communicating how we feel is important in letting others know us. 7.
Each person has the right to privacy. The family provides the climate for
sharing. We cannot insist that
8. Provide the environment where ideas and feelings are easily expressed. 9. Reading together permits the sharing of ideas and feelings. 10. Communicating about spiritual matters is important in communicating truth and values. 11. Affirming words help build the self-esteem so necessary for family unity. 12. Discipline provides security because it upholds a standard. It also emphasizes the worth of the child. 13. Physical closeness and touch is important. Parents should model the expression of affection. 14. Quality times build unity. Other good things must give way to allow for the best. 15. Shared adventures bind us together. Do things with your kids! There is more to parenting than just providing food, clothing and shelter. Shared experiences create memories together. STORM STRESS BRINGS SOME FLORIDA COUPLES TO VERGE OF SPLITTING UP By Margo Harakas, September 27 2004 No sooner did Frances pass than the phone began ringing. A woman was fuming, upset that in the hours before the hurricane, her husband had scurried about tending to work-related hurricane matters instead of securing the home front. " You care more about work than me," she told her husband. Another caller complained that her husband had generously pitched in to help neighbors and friends with their preparations, pushing his own family to the end of the line. " Why aren't you thinking about me and the children first?" she scolded. Valerie Kanouse Balsama, a Boca Raton divorce lawyer, is witnessing the matrimonial-splintering effects of natural disasters, in this case, hurricanes. Stirred up by the winds is a parade of new clients, all saying they can't " stand their spouses any more." One even brought in photos " of personal belongings being deliberately cast out in the torrential rainfall" by the offending spouse. Balsama, an advocate for marriage preservation, understands the triggers for the emotional upheavals. " There's a lot of work that goes into preparing for a hurricane," she says. " People have stressed lives already, doing close to the max what they're able to do. Superimpose on that all this extra work ...” And then there's the very real threat of the hurricane itself, as it thrashes its way across the landscape, damaging homes, flooding communities, toppling trees, cutting off power and water supplies. It's not that hurricanes sever marital ties that aren't already strained, says Balsama, who founded the nonprofit interdisciplinary think tank The Council for Marriage Preservation and Divorce Resolution Inc. Rather, she says, " it exacerbates and pushes to the forefront the intensity of the issues, the lack of communication and incompatibly." Even where divorce is not an issue, the intense emotions of gearing up and facing a perhaps life-threatening storm can induce strains even in a strong relationship and provoke family bickering. Sitting in a darkened, boarded up house, without electricity, perhaps without water, hearing the roaring wind, feeling the pressure, and fearing what it might do to your loved ones and your property is traumatic, says family psychiatrist James Cocores. In some ways, he says, it's like a hostage situation. " You're being held against your will in a state of fear for long periods of times.” Nerves fray. People " start picking on the people they love the most." Cocores, medical director at Southcoast Psychotherapy & Education Associates Inc. in Boca Raton, and Balsama often work together with couples to salvage marriages. In the past few weeks, both have seen a marked increase in marriages in crisis. " We as human beings take too much credit for what we think is control of our lives," Cocores says. But with a hurricane, " you're readily reminded you are not in control of anything." Not realizing that men and women communicate and approach problems in very different ways can add to the problem. Women, for example, may want the house secured and all preparations made well in advance. Men, on the other hand, may take a more laid-back approach. Too much togetherness in uncomfortable circumstances can also be trying. We may complain about the daily distractions of going to work, getting gas and shopping, Cocores says, " but I've seen absolute meltdowns at home because, frankly, people are not accustomed to being with each other this long." Not in shuttered homes without electricity and other inconveniences. The stagnant, musty air and increased humidity raise another issue. " That humidity," Cocores says, " gets to the central nervous system." So do processed foods that substitute for a healthy diet. " They contain all sorts of additives that are known to increase depression, irritability and anxiety," he says. So how do you deal with it all and minimize the tensions? Balsama and Cocores offer these suggestions: · Share tasks. In preparation for the hurricane, the more organized partner should compile a to-do list, from which family members can choose the tasks they feel best suited to handle. Don’t assume, and don't nag. Be upfront and say, " I'm going to need help with this." Afterwards, reinforce by saying, " That was a big help, thank you." · Communicate. Share thoughts, ideas, needs and desires. · Practice patience. It's a choice we make. · Turn off the TV. Tune in no more than every hour or so for a 10- or 15-minute update. Spend the idle time talking, sharing family memories, playing board games or reading to each other. · Return to a healthy diet, to exercise and sunshine as soon as possible. Sunshine is a natural stimulant. · Develop an attitude of gratitude by focusing on the positive aspects of your life. You're Not Listening! Marriage Alive Newsletter by David and Claudia Arp August 22, 2003 Have you ever been accused of not listening? As hard as we try, we're afraid that at times we're both guilty of not listening. Not listening contributes to marital misunderstandings. Counselors hear over and over again statements like: " He never listens to me," or " She doesn’t understand me." If poor listening is a sign of troubled marriages, then good listening is a characteristic of healthy marriages. When others say, " Hey, tell me more!" and really listen to us, we feel important, understood, and accepted. Since good listening is a marital plus, here’s an action point. Determine today to improve your listening skills by applying these tips:
Remember, practice makes perfect. Take the time today to talk with and listen to your mate. You may be surprised at what you hear! Just One Last Thing... By Steven W. Harley, M.S. ============================================ It is easier to change the behavior than it is to change the reaction to the behavior. Something as simple (and very common) as leaving the cupboard doors open can be very irritating to some. Instead of telling your irritated spouse that they are just too sensitive, or that THEY need to learn to deal with it (a.k.a. the " This is who I am." argument), LEARN to close the cupboard doors as an act of love and care. Because failing to close the doors is perceived as a lack of care. Again, it would be easier for you to learn a more attractive way of doing something instead of forcing your spouse to build a wall between the two of you so that your actions won't hurt anymore. |
